BREAKING: Public official paid nearly $2 million a year to choke during the first round of the NCAA tournament
The season came to its unremarkable conclusion following North Carolina State’s loss to the Temple Owls causing one observer to even mistake NC State’s players for government employees. Citing an impressive lack of effort, the anonymous observer stated that he was “pretty sure the guy playing power forward works at the post office. Man… he just couldn’t deliver anything when we needed it!” Others felt that only government employees would be capable of shooting free throws with such startling inefficiency.
While the deficit was not comparable to that of our federal government, the North Carolina State Wolfpack, led by Coach Mark Gottfried, triumphantly fell to the “Temple” of Doom Friday. Despite this disgraceful forty minutes of what was allegedly college basketball, Gottfried will still be receiving nearly $2 million this year as stipulated in his contract, plus a yet-to-be disclosed amount to serve as a bonus for leading the team back to the NCAA tournament.
Striving to prove the preseason rankings wrong, NC State delivered shockingly impressive losses throughout the season. The first round knockout by Temple will perhaps be the loss most etched in our minds for years to come.
While hearts and brackets continue to break across North Carolina, the “Gottfather” will enjoy a hefty bonus just for making it to the big dance, even though it did not appear that the rest of the team even stepped on the court.
**This is a parody…More to come.
Lovingly written by devout Wolfpack fans and Civitas Interns, Jacob Parson and Victoria Wakefield.