BREAKING: UNC’s Expanding “Academic” Scandal Extends to Soul Crushing Tournament Loss by Kansas.
Following UNC’s crushing defeat by Kansas, school officials went on the record to say that the embarrassing loss was, in fact, an academic scandal and did not reflect on their athletic program.
Former NC Governor Jim Martin made a statement in regards to this latest scandal, asserting that the loss to Kansas “was not an athletic scandal” but rather “an academic scandal.”
Others came out following Martin, stating: “thank God it’s an academic scandal … I mean, it would be embarrassing for Roy to lose to his former team and it to be all his fault. Fortunately, for the well being of our university, the loss falls squarely in the realm of academics. We are committed to the Carolina Way.”
Officials cited Tar Heel athletes’ rigorous curriculum for their poor showing against Kansas. In fact, Carolina athletes are sometimes even expected to show up to classes to receive a passing grade. The same official went on to state that “athletes are sometimes expected to show up to one, maybe even two classes per semester. Simply ridiculous.”
“Our priorities have been wrong. We’ve been neglecting our athletics program for the petty goal of educating young people. UNC and its fans deserves better and in the future we won’t make the same mistake. The NCAA cash cow must be fed and the Carolina Way maintained. It’s hard work being the ‘Public Ivy’ you know.”
Civitas will continue to monitor the situation. More on the scandal in the coming days.
**This is a parody…
Lovingly written by devout Wolfpack fans and Civitas Interns Jacob Parson and Victoria Wakefield.